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New mommy to my son, Elijah Ryan. Wife to my husband and best friend, Nick. New homeowner and HGTV obsessed. Wedding Planner for Two Be Wed. Avid Pinner. Lover of writing, books, movies, vampires (not the Twilight kind) and Harry Potter. Enjoys lazy days, coffee and spending time with my little family. Here to share my tales of mommyhood, marraige, love and life.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Mother's Struggles + 7 months

7 months ago this little man came into this world and changed my life completely.
He gave me the greatest purpose of all, being his mother.
Motherhood is just like any other journey, it has its ups & downs, its peaks and valleys.

In the last few weeks there have been more valleys than peaks. With Nick gone and the two of us sick, it's gotten the worst of me.
I've felt frustrated, anxious and defeated often.
And as awful as it sounds, I've felt resentment towards my husband for not being around, even though he's gone working to provide for our family. These feelings have only made the distance harder on both of us and caused a lot of unnecessary arguments.
I'm not proud of it but that's the truth.
I've let these emotions eat at me and then I'm left feeling guilty and selfish.
My saving grace has been fellow mommy friends & bloggers and knowing that I'm not the only one.
Every mother struggles, new & old, because being a mother or parent is not easy.

It's supposed to be hard. Your life no longer revolves around yourself, instead around your child.
You have to become selfless, patient and full of unconditional love.
Your choices & actions mold him into the person he will become.
It's a huge responsibility but also a blessing as well.
And the last thing I want is for my son to learn resentment, anger and selfishness from me.

All these emotions have caused me to stray away from my spiritual relationship as well.
I've felt under attack and haven't attended church in weeks.
Again, not proud but it's the truth.
I know God doesn't want me to feel these things because he has given me the blessing of becoming a mother and an angel of a son.
I believe this because in the last week I've heard several stories that have really put things in perspective.
There are women out there who have lost children, struggled to have children and those with children fighting to live.
I should be grateful because not only was I able to have a child, but a healthy, happy and beautiful baby boy.
When I look at him, all those feelings disappear and I am in awe of what a blessing he truly is.
I know I can't overcome these negative emotions without acknowledging them and turning them over to God.
So I am openly admitting my convictions, for the sake of my own conscious but also in the hope that it might reach someone else who has been feeling the same.
I know there will be days when it will be hard and I will feel defeated but there will be more days that I will be grateful and happy for this journey of motherhood & everything that comes with it -the good & the bad.
Because in the end, the good always trumps the bad.

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